2019 has been a life shifting year for me. I have been able to address some situations I never dreamt I might have even the capacity to face. As a result, I have seen leaps in my path toward my greatest spiritual self. It’s taken me 35 years to understand that at the very base of what drives me is my quest for spiritual truth and the peace of mind that accompanies an experience as the eternal Self. For the last 6 years of my life, I have been intentional about my journey to get to know my self and gain a deeper understanding of what ‘all this’ is. While pondering what ‘this is’ might seem trite I can’t help but be intrigued by the unknowable mystery.
Lately, as I get deeper into silent states I have come to understand my greater purpose here- To cultivate love from within myself and share that with others. Again, that might sound like a load of shit- I mean even as I type it I can’t help feeling a sort of instant smug reproach for my own words. But, it’s true- even on days where I’m not my most zen – and someone throws me off to the point where I want to flip a table– I still come back to this understanding that I, like all humans, have the remarkable capacity to create the feeling of love from within myself. This acknowledgment leads me to the understanding of one of man’s most tragic flaws- the illusion that love can be received from an outside source in a way that will ever quench the thirst of the self to feel love at its bedside. That love that we seek- actually comes from within us- no one – n o thing outside us can create that.
As I continue to explore a deeper expression of self-love- especially as a remedy for depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior it occurred to me that, at the base of love is discipline. One must be devout to any quest- especially when that quest seeks to reprogram faulty mental concepts- or break old habits. At the lowest point in one of my recent depressive states, I had thrown discipline out the window and decided I would abandon my fasting regimen and dietary restrictions- what ensued was a spiral deeper and deeper into the mire of self-loathing. It then occurred to me that, if self-love were to be of any consequence, I would have to set an intention to awaken my body to the power of love, and its ability to heal traumas – on a daily basis A desire for discipline felt intuitively like the road back to the happiest version of myself- that I am currently in. I had to be disciplined in my effort to love myself. This disciplined meditation has allowed me to find my way back to discipline in other areas of my life- and it has compounded my happiness.
It is perhaps yet another reminder of man’s evolutionary biological need for struggle – while our ancestors were raised in the wild and struggled for survival the modern man is being suffocated by convenience. The idleness of the mind has to lead to skyrocketing anxiety and depression as our lizard brain seeks to create tension and stress where none actual exists, hence the importance of eustress, like fasting, cold showers, and rigorous exercise. These activities that benefit the body seem obvious when operating from a space of deep self-love- and thusly require a discipline rooted at the base of that love to support pushing through the body and minds initial resistance to the change in habits. Discipline is then the shit you must stand in for the seed of love to grow.